It's been awhile. Rusty but still usable.

Studied, studied, studied and partied, partied!! I had been studying so hard for my exams with sleepless nights and countless emotional self-being. In the process of reading and healing, I have a friend, Vanessa, with me to go through it all.
I don't think I would had studied much if it wasn't for her high spirit to study. Pushing me all the way, I thank her for that.

Shes a fun sport and definitely very friendly. She would had fit in out group perfectly as well and it is great having her around. Ashley on the other hand is blur but fun to mix with, I love saying dirty jokes with her cause she "GET's IT" if you know what I mean, don't need to say it twice. :D

We ended our last exam day to club at Mist at Bangsar and it was definitely my first time there. Along with Vanessa, Ashley, Fazreen, Wayne and their other friends. I actually paid 60 bucks for the liqueur which I hardly even drink much but taking most of others drink sip by sip as though the whole club is going to run out of drinks. That part sucked cause 5 bottle just flew away in a flash. I did get high after a few rounds and it was time to hit to the dance floor *ahhh, its been so long stage*. Pulled them to the dance floor and yes it was so pack that you cant even dance cause most of the men there just want the girls to get onto the stage and dance. They get the courtesy of a free live show. I did not mind, I just wanted to get loose and have some fun dude!!!
So awesome to dance with Ashley, shes just born to dance. It was crazy fun I loved and missed every minute of it like how we used to dance rmb? :)
There were a number of hot guys whom are Vanessa's friend and they were a part of our group. There was the cindian cutie whom was nice to talk to and his smile is HUGE!! More HUGE than Anna's laugh I tell you. Then there was Chinese/Portuguese fella whom has this cool cool look which seemed to look so arrogant but we dirty danced a bit. I just wanted to have a normal dance with him but he came in so close and lay his hands around my waist and gently pull me closer to him. He was very sensual and definitely deep, it felt awkward yet nice but then it just felt wrong but good.. LOL!!
Many things happen at the club but there was no kissing nor seductive hugs . I am not trying to brag, just miss the single hood where I can be so free to do this and not be worried if the other half finds out.

Today, after all our clubbing, Wayne drove us all the way to Tapah, Ipoh just for some Hari Raya open house of a friends of theirs. Long journey, had our foods and it was on the road back to KL for another friends open house. Food was awesome and met more more college friends there. Then it was off to Shishaaaaa!!!!!

Packed my bags ready to leave my cubicle, but my heart wants to stay and play more.

Kristi23
3rd October 2010
Sunday, 0416 am (GMT +8)

The night of my birthday, I met a lad in the club. Before it happened, we had tonnes of drinks in Ku Klub, just outside Chinatown in Leicester Square then we part ways and it was just me, Toyb & HQ. Though I was initially a little upset with the fact that May won’t be able to join us but I thought what can 2 geeks and a party dress do? Have fun. So we headed to Fabric nightclub, just the 3 of us! Some time into the night after downing jaegermiestersss & tequilas, I met Zi. He looked really cute in the dark, under the influence of that much alcohol. He was the first in England who texted in proper English & I was impressed with his patience. His patience with my constant rejection and declination towards his kind offer to dinner, lunch, another meeting after that night. He said he only aged 25 but I ‘aww’ with the image of my blue eyed boy, not at him. I gave in and had a lunch date today at Jamie Oliver’s Italian in Westfield today. Oh what lovely place I have to say! The food was lovely, they were incredible at both it’s price & quality! Definitely worth the place & money. Unfortunately, I did not bring my camera. I know, what shame it is to have not captured the highlight of my trip but I was conscious with what he would think of my picture-taking obsession! Kayin was calling me non stop to check on me, he did agree the guy looked cute but when I saw him, I thought otherwise. We had a litre of house wine to go with our meal. I may have reputed myself as an alcoholic with a hand on the wine glass and another forking around the pasta but I had to drink as much as I can to get over it. It wasn’t a date gone wrong, on the contrary, it could’ve been one that has went fairly well for him, & I – If I actually am attracted to him – He ordered everything I don’t eat, isn’t it a sign?

Then we went to Searchy’s Champagne Bar in The Village for an extended session. We sat there and we did honestly had a good time. Only I doubt it would end the same without the alcohol. With a half intoxicated mind, we parted ways under my command. I thought it was time to go, anywhere or nowhere, just as long as I’m alone. I would love some company to be frank, but I needed to be alone from him. As we embraced goodbye, I inserted the earpiece in both my ears and blasted my iPod to it’s maximum volume. My eyes were droopy and my gaze were unstable. My sight might have been blur but my mind were sober. Sober & intact to have realize and notice it was you. It was you. I should’ve stayed and drank more, then we wouldn’t have come across each other’s existence. I’ve always dreamt of the day meeting you again, and my dream came true. You were there walking here and I was here walking there and I’ve always pictured us looking away like strangers. This abandoned bond we shared, they’re colder than two strangers could share.

You eventually walk away from the one who got away :]

Guess I’d still rather be alone than in a wrong relationship. Is there anyone special out there? I can’t even be bothered to go through a second date that would only lead to a dead end. Many times I ponder as my eyes stayed obliviously open in the dark at night if I would die alone. If I, a warm blooded human being would die cold heartedly alone. Would I? I don’t want to be left alone with pride picking the eligible next one, it is just that practically none, felt right. But with time, that person will come. I believe so.

I feel like Jessica now.
& it isn’t a bad thing!
GMT (-0)

We're all 20, at last!

Miss Naughty!!

Normally, I would write something long and nice for you but as I think about it again, we're best friends! I'm pretty sure you know what I'd say and what I have in my mind now. Hence, I'm just going to skip the whole long paragraph thing and get straight to the point. 

We've been living our own separate lives for more than 2years now. Though we have our own lives and we don't do things together anymore..

• The memories we share can't be erased!
• The list of 'boring turn fun' things that we can do together, can't be finished!

You are the best friend that can't be replaced.    ●

You are also the best friend that I'd love till the day I leave this world.    ●

I love you!

Welcome to the 20s'! :)

Happy Birthday!!

Do me a favor, will you?
I know it's not yet your birthday over at that English place of yours, but it'll soon come whether you like it or not! So please have as much fun as you can! I'm drinking this third cup of cocktail for you!

Have one awesome birthday!

Grab whatever you feel like grabbing! ;) 

(If you know what I mean! HA!)

You have my permission to do so!

Quick, get changed and go GRAB IT!!

♥ Lots lots of love! ♥ 

25th September 2010

3.45a.m. ( GMT +9 )

Yuck, decisions!

Recently I have been struggling with a decision, whether or not to go back home in December. You see, this new school of mine has got quite a number of holidays. I have a 3weeks winter break in December, and a month plus spring break starting in February. I'm for sure going back in February, but should I do that too, for my winter break?

Frankly, I'm dying to be back home. However, it would be very selfish of me. I'm not only going to affect CC, I'd be like a spoiled child too. Affecting her is a bigger problem for me now. Obviously she's going to be tired from work every single day, so I don't want to wear her out by being there, physically. Driving across the bridge everyday & spend the night with me after whole long day of work doesn't sound like a healthy plan though it's deadly romantic ♥

Easier solution that anyone would suggest might be asking me to just go home and her not having to come over everyday, right? Thing is, if it was me in her shoes, I would want to go anyway, no matter how tired I am. I know she would do that, but as much as I want that, I can't let her do that. She's going to be the first living zombie! :(

Of course, another part of me expects her to spend most of her time with me. So I fear. Fear that she might not be able to make it and there would be disappointments. I don't want to start blaming her for something I should be able to be considerate about.

Is it selfish to go back or rather, selfish if I don't? Being away from each other is killing us sometimes. Since I am the one who is away from home, I should go home and spend time with her whenever I can, right? But I really don't know, both sound equally selfish to me. Not to mention, after spring break, there will be another break, S-U-M-M-E-R !

What's a good solution to this question?

I'm dying to see her & I'm dying to spend every second with her! But given the circumstances, should I just forget about my 'undying love' that I'm really just dying to express to her up-close?

Every time I think about this, it messes up my mind & that, annoys me yet saddens me at the same time! On top of that, clock's ticking & seats need to be booked.

- That's all for tonight, one small yet sorta big complication -

( Sometimes I think I interpret things too much, but I can't help it. )

Oh! just one last question though,

Should work be more important than relationship at this point of your life?

24th September 2010

Friday, 2.57a.m. (GMT +9)

Is it REALLY me?

I'm so tired! I'm so tired of getting mad at you then being nice again. I'm so tired of not telling people about our daily drama because I am so sick of explaining my drastic change of behaviour. I am so tired of feeling such an immense wrath bestowed upon my shoulder then slips away so easily like a blown feather. I am literally tired of having you around calling me all the time, I'm tired for my change of heart. I am sick of myself wanting to try something I know I cannot do. I've tried! I've tried wanting to be back with you, I am trying to try. But it is so hard, like the pieces won't fit. But I'm doing it because I did you so wrong last summer. Everyone seems to think we're meant for each other and despite what goes on now, you & I are meant to be. Am I the only one who secretly, strongly disagree? I'm protesting all these predictions in the inside, but what if they were right? What if he's the one karma I'm bound to get for walking out on people's lives? I've tried to come up with a good excuse for all the things I should feel but didn't, and I thought if I had a second chance of feeling it, I would. But I didn't. When I left you at the airport on May, I thought I would've felt a different sort of weight in my heart but instead, all the weight there is were filial duties and familial affections. I've tried, you filled in the gap of emptiness & I believe that led you on to believe we could be together again. I am truly remorseful for that, but not sorry enough to be back in the wrong relationship. This abstinence of liberty is overbearing. They said distance is what that makes the heart grows fonder. These blind fools.. Sometimes distance is what that the heart needs. I'm an ocean away from you, yet I still feel the leash by my ankle. I hate it how you would look high and low for me, I hate it how a mini frantic search would go on (again like yesterday) & these search parties are Kayin, HQ, May or so. I literally feel trapped. Like I am imprisoned by Fate & Karma. Honestly, I don't think they're really my friends. We may have shared friends, but most of the time, I can't help hearing their mental whispers of all the things about me they wishes to say out loud. Maybe I am not good enough for a person for them to have stayed fairly friends with both you & I. Maybe.

(GMT +0)

Tell me something..

It is 9 more days to the 8th month of my relationship. Although the first 6months were not all so bad itself, but I was in a love triangle. However, it didn't affect me much most of the time because she was totally into our side of the triangle. Of course there were days where she had to be on the other side, but most of the time I would say, she was here.

Just recently, the love triangle was broken down. I have her all to myself now. Somehow, things still don't go as great as I thought it would be. Previously, I complained when she couldn't make a simple promise. Now that she could and she would, I complain that she's not sincere. All of a sudden, after that ever going 6months, she's now all about me, me, me. I doubt her everytime she does that, I don't know exactly why I do that all the time. One thing I do know is, I can't get used to that change. It's like yesterday I was living in a place where there always would be the existence of another person. Suddenly when I wake up this morning, it is just the two of us.

Is it the problem with trust that I'm having or the fear of commitment like I have always been facing?

Chatting with Kristi yesterday made me realize that I love finding fault with CC when things are going good. Whenever things are going good, there is always a way for me to find a flaw in it. A flaw that sometimes doesn't exist at all, except in my brain. I would get all crazy & PMS at her like a bitch, just for a little joke she makes that doesn't sound good to my own ears. I give her the attitude, I give her a dismay face, etc. Thing with her is, she doesn't like to argue, she'd always rather keep quiet or take up the blame. As she keeps quiet, things get worse for me, the more upset I get. Now that she's all about Jessica, Jessica, Jessica, she'd get all soft spoken and do all the cute faces to make me laugh, she'd even say things that I'd like to hear. Thing is, the old me would go for that, now I would just shoot her a discouraged look. No one should/could put up with something like that I think, but her.

Am I taking her for granted? Or am I just punishing her for what she did to me last time?

I need you girls to be honest with me. Sometimes I think I can't get on with this person because of the past, but as I think that way, the next minute I'd start to regret. I don't want to lose her, but how can I put up with the past and move on?

We were video calling each other yesterday,

but I was doing my own things apart from that for the whole day.

She stayed on the line with me the whole time :)

Till at night, she said she'd like to go to bed.

(which was bit weird, because it was still early for us)

Bright side is, she was there.

Am I being too much?

20th September 2010
Monday, 1.23pm (GMT +9)

When things are Too good to be true.

It has been a tough 2 month for both egghead and I as we struggle to keep this relationship sane and happy.
Complications keeps persisting and I could not help but to check on him. I did and I am relieved that I did it.

He cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend Valentina in the Caribbeans. Just kissed but no hanky panky, I was almost numbed from everything when I read the messages cause he made it sound like he did slept with her but he swear on his mothers life that he did not at all.
I want to believe him, I need to trust him but he betrayed my trust so he had to learn to accept that I can't just trust him like I did before.
Although I forgave him but my heart hurts every time when I re-read the message and It makes me think more negative thoughts. Tears has been gone down so many times when he was away and tears just poured out when I actually thought he was alone all this while in the island.

I have to learn to accept this past and I need to be strong for this next 2 weeks. My mind is totally shut out with egghead. I can't seem to focus now after my 9 days back in Penang.
My mind still wants to play and just be close with him for I might lose him one day but my heart needs to get over this exam and not fail any subs anymore.
What love do to you? - Insane.

All I need is you girls to tell me everything will be okay. :/