The night of my birthday, I met a lad in the club. Before it happened, we had tonnes of drinks in Ku Klub, just outside Chinatown in Leicester Square then we part ways and it was just me, Toyb & HQ. Though I was initially a little upset with the fact that May won’t be able to join us but I thought what can 2 geeks and a party dress do? Have fun. So we headed to Fabric nightclub, just the 3 of us! Some time into the night after downing jaegermiestersss & tequilas, I met Zi. He looked really cute in the dark, under the influence of that much alcohol. He was the first in England who texted in proper English & I was impressed with his patience. His patience with my constant rejection and declination towards his kind offer to dinner, lunch, another meeting after that night. He said he only aged 25 but I ‘aww’ with the image of my blue eyed boy, not at him. I gave in and had a lunch date today at Jamie Oliver’s Italian in Westfield today. Oh what lovely place I have to say! The food was lovely, they were incredible at both it’s price & quality! Definitely worth the place & money. Unfortunately, I did not bring my camera. I know, what shame it is to have not captured the highlight of my trip but I was conscious with what he would think of my picture-taking obsession! Kayin was calling me non stop to check on me, he did agree the guy looked cute but when I saw him, I thought otherwise. We had a litre of house wine to go with our meal. I may have reputed myself as an alcoholic with a hand on the wine glass and another forking around the pasta but I had to drink as much as I can to get over it. It wasn’t a date gone wrong, on the contrary, it could’ve been one that has went fairly well for him, & I – If I actually am attracted to him – He ordered everything I don’t eat, isn’t it a sign?

Then we went to Searchy’s Champagne Bar in The Village for an extended session. We sat there and we did honestly had a good time. Only I doubt it would end the same without the alcohol. With a half intoxicated mind, we parted ways under my command. I thought it was time to go, anywhere or nowhere, just as long as I’m alone. I would love some company to be frank, but I needed to be alone from him. As we embraced goodbye, I inserted the earpiece in both my ears and blasted my iPod to it’s maximum volume. My eyes were droopy and my gaze were unstable. My sight might have been blur but my mind were sober. Sober & intact to have realize and notice it was you. It was you. I should’ve stayed and drank more, then we wouldn’t have come across each other’s existence. I’ve always dreamt of the day meeting you again, and my dream came true. You were there walking here and I was here walking there and I’ve always pictured us looking away like strangers. This abandoned bond we shared, they’re colder than two strangers could share.

You eventually walk away from the one who got away :]

Guess I’d still rather be alone than in a wrong relationship. Is there anyone special out there? I can’t even be bothered to go through a second date that would only lead to a dead end. Many times I ponder as my eyes stayed obliviously open in the dark at night if I would die alone. If I, a warm blooded human being would die cold heartedly alone. Would I? I don’t want to be left alone with pride picking the eligible next one, it is just that practically none, felt right. But with time, that person will come. I believe so.

I feel like Jessica now.
& it isn’t a bad thing!
GMT (-0)

We're all 20, at last!

Miss Naughty!!

Normally, I would write something long and nice for you but as I think about it again, we're best friends! I'm pretty sure you know what I'd say and what I have in my mind now. Hence, I'm just going to skip the whole long paragraph thing and get straight to the point. 

We've been living our own separate lives for more than 2years now. Though we have our own lives and we don't do things together anymore..

• The memories we share can't be erased!
• The list of 'boring turn fun' things that we can do together, can't be finished!

You are the best friend that can't be replaced.    ●

You are also the best friend that I'd love till the day I leave this world.    ●

I love you!

Welcome to the 20s'! :)

Happy Birthday!!

Do me a favor, will you?
I know it's not yet your birthday over at that English place of yours, but it'll soon come whether you like it or not! So please have as much fun as you can! I'm drinking this third cup of cocktail for you!

Have one awesome birthday!

Grab whatever you feel like grabbing! ;) 

(If you know what I mean! HA!)

You have my permission to do so!

Quick, get changed and go GRAB IT!!

♥ Lots lots of love! ♥ 

25th September 2010

3.45a.m. ( GMT +9 )

Yuck, decisions!

Recently I have been struggling with a decision, whether or not to go back home in December. You see, this new school of mine has got quite a number of holidays. I have a 3weeks winter break in December, and a month plus spring break starting in February. I'm for sure going back in February, but should I do that too, for my winter break?

Frankly, I'm dying to be back home. However, it would be very selfish of me. I'm not only going to affect CC, I'd be like a spoiled child too. Affecting her is a bigger problem for me now. Obviously she's going to be tired from work every single day, so I don't want to wear her out by being there, physically. Driving across the bridge everyday & spend the night with me after whole long day of work doesn't sound like a healthy plan though it's deadly romantic ♥

Easier solution that anyone would suggest might be asking me to just go home and her not having to come over everyday, right? Thing is, if it was me in her shoes, I would want to go anyway, no matter how tired I am. I know she would do that, but as much as I want that, I can't let her do that. She's going to be the first living zombie! :(

Of course, another part of me expects her to spend most of her time with me. So I fear. Fear that she might not be able to make it and there would be disappointments. I don't want to start blaming her for something I should be able to be considerate about.

Is it selfish to go back or rather, selfish if I don't? Being away from each other is killing us sometimes. Since I am the one who is away from home, I should go home and spend time with her whenever I can, right? But I really don't know, both sound equally selfish to me. Not to mention, after spring break, there will be another break, S-U-M-M-E-R !

What's a good solution to this question?

I'm dying to see her & I'm dying to spend every second with her! But given the circumstances, should I just forget about my 'undying love' that I'm really just dying to express to her up-close?

Every time I think about this, it messes up my mind & that, annoys me yet saddens me at the same time! On top of that, clock's ticking & seats need to be booked.

- That's all for tonight, one small yet sorta big complication -

( Sometimes I think I interpret things too much, but I can't help it. )

Oh! just one last question though,

Should work be more important than relationship at this point of your life?

24th September 2010

Friday, 2.57a.m. (GMT +9)

Is it REALLY me?

I'm so tired! I'm so tired of getting mad at you then being nice again. I'm so tired of not telling people about our daily drama because I am so sick of explaining my drastic change of behaviour. I am so tired of feeling such an immense wrath bestowed upon my shoulder then slips away so easily like a blown feather. I am literally tired of having you around calling me all the time, I'm tired for my change of heart. I am sick of myself wanting to try something I know I cannot do. I've tried! I've tried wanting to be back with you, I am trying to try. But it is so hard, like the pieces won't fit. But I'm doing it because I did you so wrong last summer. Everyone seems to think we're meant for each other and despite what goes on now, you & I are meant to be. Am I the only one who secretly, strongly disagree? I'm protesting all these predictions in the inside, but what if they were right? What if he's the one karma I'm bound to get for walking out on people's lives? I've tried to come up with a good excuse for all the things I should feel but didn't, and I thought if I had a second chance of feeling it, I would. But I didn't. When I left you at the airport on May, I thought I would've felt a different sort of weight in my heart but instead, all the weight there is were filial duties and familial affections. I've tried, you filled in the gap of emptiness & I believe that led you on to believe we could be together again. I am truly remorseful for that, but not sorry enough to be back in the wrong relationship. This abstinence of liberty is overbearing. They said distance is what that makes the heart grows fonder. These blind fools.. Sometimes distance is what that the heart needs. I'm an ocean away from you, yet I still feel the leash by my ankle. I hate it how you would look high and low for me, I hate it how a mini frantic search would go on (again like yesterday) & these search parties are Kayin, HQ, May or so. I literally feel trapped. Like I am imprisoned by Fate & Karma. Honestly, I don't think they're really my friends. We may have shared friends, but most of the time, I can't help hearing their mental whispers of all the things about me they wishes to say out loud. Maybe I am not good enough for a person for them to have stayed fairly friends with both you & I. Maybe.

(GMT +0)

Tell me something..

It is 9 more days to the 8th month of my relationship. Although the first 6months were not all so bad itself, but I was in a love triangle. However, it didn't affect me much most of the time because she was totally into our side of the triangle. Of course there were days where she had to be on the other side, but most of the time I would say, she was here.

Just recently, the love triangle was broken down. I have her all to myself now. Somehow, things still don't go as great as I thought it would be. Previously, I complained when she couldn't make a simple promise. Now that she could and she would, I complain that she's not sincere. All of a sudden, after that ever going 6months, she's now all about me, me, me. I doubt her everytime she does that, I don't know exactly why I do that all the time. One thing I do know is, I can't get used to that change. It's like yesterday I was living in a place where there always would be the existence of another person. Suddenly when I wake up this morning, it is just the two of us.

Is it the problem with trust that I'm having or the fear of commitment like I have always been facing?

Chatting with Kristi yesterday made me realize that I love finding fault with CC when things are going good. Whenever things are going good, there is always a way for me to find a flaw in it. A flaw that sometimes doesn't exist at all, except in my brain. I would get all crazy & PMS at her like a bitch, just for a little joke she makes that doesn't sound good to my own ears. I give her the attitude, I give her a dismay face, etc. Thing with her is, she doesn't like to argue, she'd always rather keep quiet or take up the blame. As she keeps quiet, things get worse for me, the more upset I get. Now that she's all about Jessica, Jessica, Jessica, she'd get all soft spoken and do all the cute faces to make me laugh, she'd even say things that I'd like to hear. Thing is, the old me would go for that, now I would just shoot her a discouraged look. No one should/could put up with something like that I think, but her.

Am I taking her for granted? Or am I just punishing her for what she did to me last time?

I need you girls to be honest with me. Sometimes I think I can't get on with this person because of the past, but as I think that way, the next minute I'd start to regret. I don't want to lose her, but how can I put up with the past and move on?

We were video calling each other yesterday,

but I was doing my own things apart from that for the whole day.

She stayed on the line with me the whole time :)

Till at night, she said she'd like to go to bed.

(which was bit weird, because it was still early for us)

Bright side is, she was there.

Am I being too much?

20th September 2010
Monday, 1.23pm (GMT +9)

When things are Too good to be true.

It has been a tough 2 month for both egghead and I as we struggle to keep this relationship sane and happy.
Complications keeps persisting and I could not help but to check on him. I did and I am relieved that I did it.

He cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend Valentina in the Caribbeans. Just kissed but no hanky panky, I was almost numbed from everything when I read the messages cause he made it sound like he did slept with her but he swear on his mothers life that he did not at all.
I want to believe him, I need to trust him but he betrayed my trust so he had to learn to accept that I can't just trust him like I did before.
Although I forgave him but my heart hurts every time when I re-read the message and It makes me think more negative thoughts. Tears has been gone down so many times when he was away and tears just poured out when I actually thought he was alone all this while in the island.

I have to learn to accept this past and I need to be strong for this next 2 weeks. My mind is totally shut out with egghead. I can't seem to focus now after my 9 days back in Penang.
My mind still wants to play and just be close with him for I might lose him one day but my heart needs to get over this exam and not fail any subs anymore.
What love do to you? - Insane.

All I need is you girls to tell me everything will be okay. :/

You make me smile like a fool

It all started from a wink and it ended with one after we exchanged understood smiles, before we both parted ways. Different ways.

Today of all days, you were me, you were waving at me from afar. For once, you did not hold back your gaze when mine meet yours. For once, you'd smile with courage and not look away. For once, your footstep sounded heavy as you turned around to me with that look in your eyes. The look that waited for me to come with you. And for once & the last time, it felt more than a highschool crush, with you. We were talking & I felt again the absolute comfort of a lifetime friend with you as the clock ticks away with conversation. Isn't it ironic how once the smiles were etched and goodbyes were said, we're like two strangers with untold secrets with each other? But everything before that is worth more than gold. You laughed but I was puzzled. How could one not have had a birthday cake on his birthday? We're different, indeed.

Fate was around God as they both watched over me. I found you, sitting where we once sat & I slipped in comfortably. We sat together quietly reading our respective book. Can things get any lovelier than this? you & your Stephen King. Me & my vampirism novel. We are indeed, different. I was too absorbed into the current affairs of my novel until I forgotten the boy with ocean blue eyes was just a look away. You decline my kind offer of sharing my precious Maltesers and with a simple question of 'Why', you hastily surrendered and pop one into your mouth. You're 25 years & 10 days old, why do you still act so young? We settled in quietly and ignored the catastrophe behind us. You smile & I die - every time. 

He asked if I was happy today and I said no. I said I'll miss summer. But I was secretly happy, that he has come to ask of my well-being and that all awkwardness undressed on its very own - just like it happened before. Sometimes I wonder, if I keep denying every possible love that comes my way in fear of the wrong one, how will I ever find the right one? I somehow acknowledge the trauma so strongly hidden underneath yet find it impossible as I am not one who would be damaged this bad. Am I?

Ryan, you said I am your karma.
Maybe. But you're definitely mine.
14/09/10 23:17 (GMT+0)

Confide in me?

I think I most probably bombed an airport my past life, I'm always at the airport KILLING TIME and it's KILLING ME! Like I sort of owed to the airports that I have to suffer the pain of boredom.. I officially have 2 more hours to burn.. I'm heading back to Singapore from KL to fly to San Francisco via Hong Kong! ahh! Imagine my fate with airports! Just the smell of it makes me wanna puke now..
Confiding in this blog is the best thing to do now, I don't feel like literally telling anyone about this but yet I need to let this out.. Sean has been confiding his feelings to a girl, seriously?! I know I suck at being a girlfriend, that my boyfriend or rather both current and ex boyfriends just love to seek comfort from someone else! Is it really me? Am I not good enough? I can't help but start doubting myself again.. Maybe I AM not a girlfriend material, maybe I should become a mistress? Would that be easier? At least expectations aren't that high so I won't feel so crushed all the time when things isn't going the way it's supposed to be..
How does being single feels like again? I wonder how I survived 17 years without someone to love and someone to love me.. The thought of not having someone to think about before sleep or someone to bug when I'm bored is scaring me! :( I swear I'd go crazy if I rejoin the singlehood club.. No wait, I think I'll have someone to think about before sleep, someone whom I loved so much but to know that someone else's in his arms now would hurt more.. so so much more.. :'(
But isn't loving someone about wanting the best for them? If I'm not the best, then maybe I should let the better one take him?
I don't want a broken heart, I don't want to play the broken-hearted girl.. :(

Till my wound doesn't hurt that much,
Mea
09/09/2010 11.15am (GMT +8)



- Posted using Baby Blossom..

You listen to all the silly things I have to say..

It's a dark and rainy Monday but Monday blues no longer apply to me.. I'm all mixed up with time now, sometimes I don't even know what day is it! This journey that I decided to disembark on is a real lonely one, sometimes the only person I've spoke to for the day is the room service guy.. But I'm giving it all to this journey of mine, hoping that I find my true inner self (which I have a feeling is not much different from now) one day.. Is just that I want to come out of this a more matured person, a person who's matured enough to finally settle down maybe? Or adopt a kid? Well, who knows? I'm glad to know that no matter how lonely I feel throughout this journey, I'll always have 3 of you to fall back on.. Wish me luck?
Deep down, as much as I want this job, I know it's ruining my relationship.. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so emotional lately, tears could fill my eyes in seconds when thoughts crossed my mind.. Give me some time, I'll be the happy-go-lucky Amelia that even when Pabu refused to love me, tears has never run down my cheeks! :) ooh, how much I miss the old me.. When relationships are like strangers to me, when sex is nothing that I think about and when myself is my priority in life!

Till then bestfriends,
Mea
06/09/2010 6.37pm

Distance of Preservation

A distance is established when you've learned to adore from afar, you've seen perfection from a distance but any closer would ruin it all. A distance called The Distance of Preservation. One that preserves the purity of a person because being too close could demolish that beauty's pedestal.

I know thought if I've gotten too close to that dimple of yours, or your ocean blue eyes, I'd unhook myself. I know from this spot where I stand, you are of perfect height. Cause if I were to walk to you, you'll appear too short. I know from where I stand, your smiles are perfected with tenderness, cause if I were to walk to you, I'd see your uneven teeth. I know from here, you already aren't the best of the best, and if I'd walk up to you, you'd look worse than worst.

Yet I went to be next to you, & it felt just perfect.

As we talk about books & everything else, your imperfections wandered around in my head to the edge of this infatuation hook. You were talking, then smiled into my eyes. & somehow, the fact that you were as interested as I was in keeping the conversation alive so I wouldn't walk off, beats all odds. I felt comfortable talking to you I had no barriers to express my self-love. & you did the same, ensuring I knew you as much as I allowed you to know about me. I was so absorbed I told you the days to my birth date & you told me I've missed yours for a day. I jumped & wished you. Naturally, I reached my arms out & wanted to give a hug, I wasn't even breaching any platonic code but I held back. Why?

You had to go help him, but you did excuse yourself & came back. But I've walked away.

I've done again what I do best, I walk away.

Summer's ending,

So again, it's a goodbye to this thing that is only beginning to begin.

I was so happy I could die, the laughters still so fresh, so dear to my heart. The fact that I could be myself around you & responded like a friend of a lifetime was what that made me stay and watch you do your work. Part of me didn't want to walk back to practiced smiles so it would be perfect when I fake fate. No, but my mind turned wiser the second you left (though you will be right back) & so, I walked away.

All night long, we were smiles & playful gestures. But I wanted to hear your voice & hear you talk. I wanted to embrace your naivety & humbleness. I wanted to stand next to you and hear both our heart races for something to talk about. It was so hard for me to take another plunge into this cold unfamiliar sea. So I stayed and watch you from the distance of preservation. & she came, & my heart cracked, then leaks.

My Green Mile.


Little Miss Naughty
06/09/2010
8.35am (GTM +0)

FORGET ALL THE ABOVE.

I am always left picking up the pieces. It is always me & only me. That is why I don't take chances when it comes to love. That is why I can't bear to risk a risk. Today, I finally told someone else about you, an actual physic person. I thought since there is only a week left, I can finally let this high-school crush of mine out of the head. Turns out, my first girlfriend in England was indeed nothing but the first girl friend. Not much of a friend though.

I was about the corner when I spotted the empty seat. I skipped right into it without seeing you in front. But it didn't bother because my brain could not process a better decision in time. Nonetheless, I was glad it happened. I'd say the best 10 minutes of my day. We talked about books books & more books. As you look down at your '50 books to read before you die' bookmark, my gaze was locked on you. I can't help but to adore your long brown lashes that curls up so seductively. And as you lick your lips, my eyes followed. You stayed, despite being pressured to leave. Even for 3 minutes. T'was the highlight of my day.

I hurried to see you but you were scurrying down the hall to leave. I'm taking out all the possibilities in regards to your only muttered farewell. All that I am hearing is that, my doubts have come to a point of truth. Where I'm infatuated with you, & you are not with me. Fair enough.

So yes, it's time to pack and walk away again, Anna. For real. 
Though I know, being happy is more important than being right.

Affectionately,

Me.

07/09/2010

07.36am (GMT +0)