You make me smile like a fool

It all started from a wink and it ended with one after we exchanged understood smiles, before we both parted ways. Different ways.

Today of all days, you were me, you were waving at me from afar. For once, you did not hold back your gaze when mine meet yours. For once, you'd smile with courage and not look away. For once, your footstep sounded heavy as you turned around to me with that look in your eyes. The look that waited for me to come with you. And for once & the last time, it felt more than a highschool crush, with you. We were talking & I felt again the absolute comfort of a lifetime friend with you as the clock ticks away with conversation. Isn't it ironic how once the smiles were etched and goodbyes were said, we're like two strangers with untold secrets with each other? But everything before that is worth more than gold. You laughed but I was puzzled. How could one not have had a birthday cake on his birthday? We're different, indeed.

Fate was around God as they both watched over me. I found you, sitting where we once sat & I slipped in comfortably. We sat together quietly reading our respective book. Can things get any lovelier than this? you & your Stephen King. Me & my vampirism novel. We are indeed, different. I was too absorbed into the current affairs of my novel until I forgotten the boy with ocean blue eyes was just a look away. You decline my kind offer of sharing my precious Maltesers and with a simple question of 'Why', you hastily surrendered and pop one into your mouth. You're 25 years & 10 days old, why do you still act so young? We settled in quietly and ignored the catastrophe behind us. You smile & I die - every time. 

He asked if I was happy today and I said no. I said I'll miss summer. But I was secretly happy, that he has come to ask of my well-being and that all awkwardness undressed on its very own - just like it happened before. Sometimes I wonder, if I keep denying every possible love that comes my way in fear of the wrong one, how will I ever find the right one? I somehow acknowledge the trauma so strongly hidden underneath yet find it impossible as I am not one who would be damaged this bad. Am I?

Ryan, you said I am your karma.
Maybe. But you're definitely mine.
14/09/10 23:17 (GMT+0)

Confide in me?

I think I most probably bombed an airport my past life, I'm always at the airport KILLING TIME and it's KILLING ME! Like I sort of owed to the airports that I have to suffer the pain of boredom.. I officially have 2 more hours to burn.. I'm heading back to Singapore from KL to fly to San Francisco via Hong Kong! ahh! Imagine my fate with airports! Just the smell of it makes me wanna puke now..
Confiding in this blog is the best thing to do now, I don't feel like literally telling anyone about this but yet I need to let this out.. Sean has been confiding his feelings to a girl, seriously?! I know I suck at being a girlfriend, that my boyfriend or rather both current and ex boyfriends just love to seek comfort from someone else! Is it really me? Am I not good enough? I can't help but start doubting myself again.. Maybe I AM not a girlfriend material, maybe I should become a mistress? Would that be easier? At least expectations aren't that high so I won't feel so crushed all the time when things isn't going the way it's supposed to be..
How does being single feels like again? I wonder how I survived 17 years without someone to love and someone to love me.. The thought of not having someone to think about before sleep or someone to bug when I'm bored is scaring me! :( I swear I'd go crazy if I rejoin the singlehood club.. No wait, I think I'll have someone to think about before sleep, someone whom I loved so much but to know that someone else's in his arms now would hurt more.. so so much more.. :'(
But isn't loving someone about wanting the best for them? If I'm not the best, then maybe I should let the better one take him?
I don't want a broken heart, I don't want to play the broken-hearted girl.. :(

Till my wound doesn't hurt that much,
Mea
09/09/2010 11.15am (GMT +8)



- Posted using Baby Blossom..

You listen to all the silly things I have to say..

It's a dark and rainy Monday but Monday blues no longer apply to me.. I'm all mixed up with time now, sometimes I don't even know what day is it! This journey that I decided to disembark on is a real lonely one, sometimes the only person I've spoke to for the day is the room service guy.. But I'm giving it all to this journey of mine, hoping that I find my true inner self (which I have a feeling is not much different from now) one day.. Is just that I want to come out of this a more matured person, a person who's matured enough to finally settle down maybe? Or adopt a kid? Well, who knows? I'm glad to know that no matter how lonely I feel throughout this journey, I'll always have 3 of you to fall back on.. Wish me luck?
Deep down, as much as I want this job, I know it's ruining my relationship.. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so emotional lately, tears could fill my eyes in seconds when thoughts crossed my mind.. Give me some time, I'll be the happy-go-lucky Amelia that even when Pabu refused to love me, tears has never run down my cheeks! :) ooh, how much I miss the old me.. When relationships are like strangers to me, when sex is nothing that I think about and when myself is my priority in life!

Till then bestfriends,
Mea
06/09/2010 6.37pm

Distance of Preservation

A distance is established when you've learned to adore from afar, you've seen perfection from a distance but any closer would ruin it all. A distance called The Distance of Preservation. One that preserves the purity of a person because being too close could demolish that beauty's pedestal.

I know thought if I've gotten too close to that dimple of yours, or your ocean blue eyes, I'd unhook myself. I know from this spot where I stand, you are of perfect height. Cause if I were to walk to you, you'll appear too short. I know from where I stand, your smiles are perfected with tenderness, cause if I were to walk to you, I'd see your uneven teeth. I know from here, you already aren't the best of the best, and if I'd walk up to you, you'd look worse than worst.

Yet I went to be next to you, & it felt just perfect.

As we talk about books & everything else, your imperfections wandered around in my head to the edge of this infatuation hook. You were talking, then smiled into my eyes. & somehow, the fact that you were as interested as I was in keeping the conversation alive so I wouldn't walk off, beats all odds. I felt comfortable talking to you I had no barriers to express my self-love. & you did the same, ensuring I knew you as much as I allowed you to know about me. I was so absorbed I told you the days to my birth date & you told me I've missed yours for a day. I jumped & wished you. Naturally, I reached my arms out & wanted to give a hug, I wasn't even breaching any platonic code but I held back. Why?

You had to go help him, but you did excuse yourself & came back. But I've walked away.

I've done again what I do best, I walk away.

Summer's ending,

So again, it's a goodbye to this thing that is only beginning to begin.

I was so happy I could die, the laughters still so fresh, so dear to my heart. The fact that I could be myself around you & responded like a friend of a lifetime was what that made me stay and watch you do your work. Part of me didn't want to walk back to practiced smiles so it would be perfect when I fake fate. No, but my mind turned wiser the second you left (though you will be right back) & so, I walked away.

All night long, we were smiles & playful gestures. But I wanted to hear your voice & hear you talk. I wanted to embrace your naivety & humbleness. I wanted to stand next to you and hear both our heart races for something to talk about. It was so hard for me to take another plunge into this cold unfamiliar sea. So I stayed and watch you from the distance of preservation. & she came, & my heart cracked, then leaks.

My Green Mile.


Little Miss Naughty
06/09/2010
8.35am (GTM +0)

FORGET ALL THE ABOVE.

I am always left picking up the pieces. It is always me & only me. That is why I don't take chances when it comes to love. That is why I can't bear to risk a risk. Today, I finally told someone else about you, an actual physic person. I thought since there is only a week left, I can finally let this high-school crush of mine out of the head. Turns out, my first girlfriend in England was indeed nothing but the first girl friend. Not much of a friend though.

I was about the corner when I spotted the empty seat. I skipped right into it without seeing you in front. But it didn't bother because my brain could not process a better decision in time. Nonetheless, I was glad it happened. I'd say the best 10 minutes of my day. We talked about books books & more books. As you look down at your '50 books to read before you die' bookmark, my gaze was locked on you. I can't help but to adore your long brown lashes that curls up so seductively. And as you lick your lips, my eyes followed. You stayed, despite being pressured to leave. Even for 3 minutes. T'was the highlight of my day.

I hurried to see you but you were scurrying down the hall to leave. I'm taking out all the possibilities in regards to your only muttered farewell. All that I am hearing is that, my doubts have come to a point of truth. Where I'm infatuated with you, & you are not with me. Fair enough.

So yes, it's time to pack and walk away again, Anna. For real. 
Though I know, being happy is more important than being right.

Affectionately,

Me.

07/09/2010

07.36am (GMT +0)

You're karmic enough

You must be my karma, because I finally understood how Ryan feels from a superficial level. One less deeper than he feels for me. Much, less deeper. This is merely an infatuation, a karmic infatuation that is driving me nuts. I don't even know your name for goodness sake! And oddly, I don't want to. When you've learned to adore a person from afar, it brings your perspective to another degree adjacent to nothing else but perfection. It's not the same, not anymore. Meeting a hottie in the club, dance & kiss & fall in love. Then life happened, & fell out of love. No, this is another book.

Your simple lean on the wall, the moments you caught me looking at you, an immense concentration laid out on squinted forehead, your soundless greetings from far away, your smell when you brush right across me. 2 hours with you & to say I have died and revived is an insult to this very very intense infatuation. I cannot let you run through my mind anymore. Aren't you tired? Cause I am. & I will self-combust if this goes on.

I am infatuated with just the way you are. If it weren't for the drop dead affection attraction, I would easily and proudly list out your every visible flaws. My eyes are locked on you, your flaws glow with perfection. How is it possible? Your very very deep dimple shoots me like an arrow from a cupid. Stop smiling, you fool! You smile, I flutter. My ferocious heart now wants to abandon my body and shoot rocket high. Stop smiling, you pretty fool.. Your smiles are only aches to me. My palms are lifted to my chest, an auto reaction of reaching within to resume all blood flow to my heart. How can my heart possibly, sensibly ache & squirm when you've obviously stolen my heart already?

I don't want to know your name, I don't want to see you in anything else but your uniform. You, are the unison of perfection and authority, beauty and flaws, kindness and tenderness. I don't want anything or anyone or you to ruin this celestial image of a fallen star. You're a hope.

Would you think I am obsessive if you ever found out about this?